Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage

There are so many things a couple can do, say and share with each other prior getting married to start with a strong foundation. There are many good things the world counsels us to do to stay married and  live a life of quality. 
However it´s very common to see couples struggling with different issues, such as, a lack of communication, trust or respect. 

The thing we all want to know is. HOW can we have a healthy marriage, since the beggining and that lasts for all life and that we are longing to make it eternal?
Elder Bednar gives us the best way to achieve it, we have to live a marital life full of progress:

"The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. PLease notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the other corner. Now consider what happens when in a relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily "come unto Christ" and strive to be "perfected in Him"(Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together. (Hawkins, 2012, p. 28.)



We must treat our spouse as the most precious blessing we can receive in this world, as usual, I have a video to share with you, it´s funny and has a great message, Hope you like it!

"Lasting Marriage"

A young couple talks to an older couple about marriage.

I found a really good article  with great  guide and tips to "Build an Eternal Marriage"

Building My Eternal Marriage

By Rosana Pontes Barbosa Neves

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When I was a teenager, I developed faith that marriage could be a wonderful and eternal experience. It was difficult for me to always believe, however, because the examples of marriage I had growing up were not strong ones, and I kept a fear of marriage in my heart. But I determined that failure and unhappiness didn’t have to be the rule and that Heavenly Father would help me know how to have a happy marriage.

When I was 26 years old, I married Sidnei in the São Paulo Brazil Temple. While we were still dating, we tried to prepare ourselves spiritually and emotionally for the most significant event of our lives. We decided what type of marriage we wanted, we established goals together, and we shared our thoughts—our testimonies of the gospel, our wishes and worries, and our dreams. We also read together the counsel of the prophets on marriage. We did everything we could to prepare, wishing to provide happiness and security to each other and our future children. We asked the Lord to give us wisdom to live a happy life.

Now we have been married for 18 years. During these years, we have continued to learn from the precepts of the gospel, the counsel of our leaders, and, of course, the Spirit. Some of the things we have done to have a strong, happy marriage are:

1. 1. Pray together every day. When we pray at night, we thank Heavenly Father for our marriage, for the love we have for each other, and we ask that our feelings will be strengthened and that we can become strong individually in the face of the designs of the adversary, who works to destroy families.
   
2. 2. Ask for forgiveness. We work to never allow pride to keep us from asking for forgiveness or admitting we are wrong. Love and unity are more important than who is right or who is wrong.
   
3. 3. Never speak evil of each other. It is obvious that neither of us is perfect, but we don’t say bad things about each other, and when we’re with others, we speak positively about each other.
   
4. 4. Defend the institution of marriage. Whenever we have a chance—and especially if we are around people who are criticizing the institution of marriage—we stand up for families and what we believe in.
   
5. 5. Talk a lot and listen. We stop what we are doing to really listen when the other person is talking.
   
6. 6. Treat each other with love and consideration. We do not insult, accuse, or criticize each other.
   
7. 7. Continue to seek help and counsel about marriage from the scriptures and the words of modern prophets. We do not know everything. We are imperfect and prone to forgetting and making mistakes. We prefer not to wait for problems to afflict us, but instead we work to build a strong marriage before a situation can hurt us.
   

These things have been instrumental in strengthening the relationship between my husband and me. I know that if we share our lives and our feelings with Heavenly Father and seek counsel from Him, the Holy Ghost will inspire us and we will be able to become an eternal family, overcoming all difficult times. We also know that Heavenly Father will help us as we seek to know and do His will.

REFERENCES

Bednar, D.A. (2006, June.) Marriage is essential to His eternal plan. Ensign, 32, 82-87

Pontes, R.. (2011, September) Building my eternal Marriage. Ensign.

References

The Eternal Family: A Plain and Precious Part of the Plan of Salvation.

Why am I here? 

Whatis the purpose of my existence? 

Where will I go when I die?

Why are families so important?

 

The family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. 

(The Family, A Proclamation to the World)

"God and his plan are eternal. He instituted marriage and family in the beginning. God Created the earth, the garden, and our first parents in order to create families for all of His children to be born into the experience mortal life-especially mortal family life. The Fall ocurred because Adam and Eve chose to obey God´s commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and thus create the first family. The Savior completed the atonement in order to reconcile God´s children with the Father and with one another. Thus, the great plan of happiness is God´s plan for happiness in time and in eternity.
God commands his children to marry and become one, and the Savior taught that "what therefore GodGod hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6, see also 1 Corinthians 11:11) Marriage and family are eternal, and priesthood keys have been given to prophets to seal on earth and in heaven. The Lord told Moses, "Behold this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass th eimmortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39), and Hetold the Prophet Joseph Smith that the new and everlasting covenant of marriage "was instituted for the fulness of my glory" (D & C132:6). The work and glory of God is to assist His children to make and keep sacred covenants designed to allow them to be sealed together eternally to one another and to Him, and thereby enjoy all God enjoys. It should be the work and glory of all Latter-day Saints to make and keep these sacred covenants, to teach these transcendent truths to those who do not yet know of them, and to work in God´s holy temples to make these covenants and ordinances available to all the children of God.
The eternal nature of the marriage covenant and the promise of the everlasting family association are among the most beautiful and essential doctrines of the restored gospel. I fact, the purpose of the gospel and the Church is to exalt the family.
Elder Hugh B. Brown stated:
The family concept is one of the major and most important of the whole theological doctrine. In fact, our very concept of heaven itself is the projection of the home into the eternity. Salvation, then, is essentially a family affair, and a full participation in the plan of salvation can be had only in family units. (1966, 103.)


From the time of Adam and Eve and on to the present day, God´s covenant people rejoice in the plain and most precious doctrine of eternal families." (Hawkins, 2012. p. 344-345)

We can be happy families! 

We can!!!

By reading "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," we can learn the importance of the family.

We were sent to this earth to progress and gain experiences and knowledge, we all pass for different type of challenges and trials. It is a great blessing, to be surrounded by people who loves us and that will do all they can to help us achieve our goals, OUR FAMILY!

References:

Brown, H. B., (1966, October). In Conference Report, 101-105.

The Meanings and Blessings of Family Work

"Ordinary householdwork that is often considered a waste of time can be a time of closeness and fun that strenghtens family bonds and develops Christlike virtues." (Hawkins, 2012, p. 213)

How many times have you heard your children saying: "Why me? Why do I have to help with this Mom? Why can´t you ask for doing this to someone else? I don´t want to do it!"
I think the most families have pass for this situation MORE THAN ONCE. My question is why? 
Why this generations see service as a charge, as an obligation instead as an opportunity to help and learn something from service.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said that "families working together as one of four things that could " in a generation or two" turn society´s "moral values" around. (1996, p.7.)

I have heard many of my friends begging for some "vacation time" their idea is to NOT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. The thought of an hotel where you don´t have to make bed, meals, or worry about an issue is the "ideal" of many people in the world.

In families same thing happens, mother´s want to buy the newest refrigerator. It has many functions, it´s supposed to make like easier. How about a dishwasher machine? I know many of my neighbors would love to have one. It´s supposed that all this new technology makes us have more time... The question is now, why do we want or need more time?

Everyday people is more and more focus on new projects; earning more money, having a bigger house and getting the newest phone, and this list could go on and on. The point in here is;  What about family time? When do we get to have more family activities?

Yes, that´s my point. 
Back in the days of my grandparents, my parents had to help with the house chores, because the responsability was in charge of EVERYBODY, if I go further back. Small children had to help with the farm, they learned from their parents because they were together. Also families were closer and happier. 

I think people now is more focused on having more on something that won´t make them happy.

Ok, going back to the house, Why is it that it´s something no one wants to do?

President Thomas S. Monson counsels: "Mothers, share household duties. It is often easier to do everything yourself than to persuade your children to help, but it is so essential for them to learn the importance of doing their share". (2005, p.20).

"To succed, parents must have faith that the inevitable conflicts involved in helping children participate in family work will, in the long run, bless the children." (Hawkins,2012, p. 220)

I hope that we can work on teaching our children the value of service. Let´s keep in our mind that "... Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me". Matthew 25:35-36 Family should be striving on live this way ALL THE TIME!



I hope you enjoy the folloing video...

References

Hinckley, G. B. (1996, September). First Presidency Message: Four simple things to help our families and our nations. Ensign, 26, 2-8.

Monson, T.S. (2005, may). Constant truths for changin times. Ensign, 35, 19-22.

FAITH IN FAMILY LIFE

I find very interesting the connection between successful families and their faith. Nowadays many people easily give up on their goals, marriage is not an exception.

Why is it that religious families tend to be more prepared and don´t give in to temptations, fights, as easily as non religious ones?

I have also noticed that it is more likely for a parent to work more on the relationship he has with his children.

I have come to the conclusion that the more you get close to God, and try to obey his word and keep His commandments, the more happy and unified the family is.

I am thinking on a mother, whose life is busy (like the majority of mother´s life is), that perhaps has a part time job and she strives to do a good part in her role. She has a clean house, and she prays every morning and asks for guidance. She loves her children and is willing to sacrifice hours of sleep or of social time to be with her kids.
I am thinking of a father, who wakes up very early and starts his day by kissing his wife and giving her a big smile and a "good morning sweetheart", I see him getting out of bed and going on his knees to thank for his family. Taking the children to school and giving his best at work.
I see children in a house, where uplifting music is played during the day. Where they help with the house chores. Children who love their siblings and are willing to serve each other.

For some this might sound like an utopia, but it´s not.

I believe that we all deserve to live a perfect story. I don´t mean with this that there won´t be problems; I think all children have "accidents", all parents struggle at some point, in some things. We all have challenges but the key to succeed is FAITH.

"When you believe in God... yes, the boat still gets to rockin´ but [God] says. ´In me you can weather the storm" (Marks et al., 2008 p.179) Social science evidence suggests that shared faith appears to be a principle upon which "successful marriages and families are established and maintained", even during the storm.

Building a Family of Faith

Faith in our family begins with trusting our Heavenly Father and His promises. We press forward despite challenges, never giving up on ourselves or our children. We teach our family to have faith in Christ by living what we know to be true. Our children learn their most powerful lessons from our faithfulness.

(For more information about this please go to: http://www.lds.org/family/faith?lang=eng)

I want to share the following interview, Elder and Sister Cook talk about raising their children and forging a strong marriage and family through hard work and faith in the Lord. This couple summarizes with their example the importance and the evidence that it is possible to succeed if we exercise our Faith.

References

Marks, L. D., Hopkins, K., Chaney, C., Monroe, P.A., Nesteruk, O., &Sasser, D. (2008). "Together we are strong": A qualitative study of happy, enduring Adrican American marriages. Family Relations, 57, 172-184.

Wednesday, Let´s talk about MARRIAGE!

  ~~"Husband and wife 

have a solemn responsability 

to love and care for each other."  ~~

 

Are you a person of details? 

 

How often do you say I LOVE YOU to your spouse?

  When was the last time you two went out together? 

I am always searching for small things to do to help my dear husband feel how much he means for me. 

I just love to surprise him, I love to see him smiling. I am always thinking... He married ME, he chose me and I chose him over... thousands of thousands... I am constantly doing things to remind us that... 

 I know that some of you might think, “I´m just NOT that kind of person.”You are right, but, here comes a great but... would you consider in doing it if that makes your marriage better?If it take it from great to incredible? I guess you´re thinking YES, I WOULD!

A second thought...to pònder about… What would you do TODAY, to make it special? A day to remember if it was YOUR LAST DAY TOGETHER?

We don´t know when will this actually happen, but what we DO know is that we can live all of our days with that in mind and keep the excitement.

Don´t let your daily duties restrain you from demonstrating your spouse how much he/she actually means for you.
Perhaps some of you are experiencing some marriage difficulties, and you might find it hard to be the one who gives in. Think about it again. Whatever the conflict… is it really that bad ? Does this really deserves another day, hour, minute… second of keeping you from loving and enjoying you spouse?

Take the decision, make a change… or light up your love! You don´t have to do great things, small details can make a HUGE difference for you… Do it TODAY!!! 

QUOTE from: Foundational processes for an enduring, Healthy Marriage. Stephen F. Duncan & Sara McCarthy Zusukha. (Succesful Marriages and Families, Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, by A. Hawkins, D. Dollahite & T. Draper)

“True marital love emerges from profound friendship (Fowers, 2001). After surveying 25 years of research on marriage, Gottman and Silver stated simply, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship… a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other´s company” (1999,p19)”

“What can married couples do to nurture love and friendship? Here are several ideas:

-Get in sync with your partner´s love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often…

-Talk as friends. Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends. These type of conversations were the kind of discussions that drew couples close in the first place. Be sure to protect “friend time” from issues and conflict.

-Respond to bids for connection. Our best efforts to connect in marriage can be jeopardized as a result of the failure to respond to another´s birds, which Gottman, Gottman, and Declaire (2001, p.4) call “the fundamental unito of emotional communication.” A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch- any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.

-Set goals for couple interaction.Couples can turn toward each other in many ways every day (Gottman & Silver, 1999). To summarize the suggestions above: 

1. Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. An announcement of “I´ve had a rotten day” can be met with an acknowledgement of feelings (I´m sorry to hear that”), a hug, and an invitation to talk more about it.
2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.
3. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went, and listening to and validating one another.
4. Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.
5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary. 

Take a few minutes to watch this video, a few couples of all ages share the many ways they have found to express love for each other.

Wholesome Family Recreation: Building Strong Families

I know we all want to BUILD A STRONG FAMILY. 

   

Have you ever wondered... How can I make this possible in a 24/7 busy lifestyle? 

The daily activities and responsibilities can actually separate us from the path of taking care of our family. 

I have found myself in situations where I have to stop, make a pause and let go an activity, because it´s taking part of the time I can be spending with my children.  Have you been in a similar situation? If you do, you might understand how hard it is to live life running. If you don´t I am thinking that might probably be because or either you are a great person in organizing your time, or you don´t have children… 

 

So, this week I´m thinking on sharing a very nice tip, hopefully it will help you and me … and all those families (like mine) that are really busy during the week. 

Research has suggested that “as families participate in challenging outdoor adventure activities together, communication patterns are strengthened (Huff, Widmer, McCoy, & Hill, 2003). When Families are together for an extended time in the outdoors, they are able to reconnect with each other.

The absence of cell phones, internet, and television allows family members to interact. When families take the time and make the effort to go hiking, camping, and backpacking, and engage in other outdoor pursuits, they learn to cope with new and diverse environments as a family. These type of wholesome family recreational experiences promote family members´ beliefs in their bility to resolve conflicts at home. (Wells, Widmer, & McCoy, 2004) … The time and effort required to engage in wholesome recreation, wheter it involves taking part in aplay or going camping, is well worth the effort.

Take advantage of these days where we are having spring break, or holidays, make a plan with your family and enjoy together of it.

I´m sure that you will be having some challenges in the way, but you will definitely be able to face them and conquer them... TOGETHER! 

"Play Together, Stay Together

Families that play together stay together, especially when their play is uplifting and wholesome. Family vacations, holidays, birthday celebrations, and other activities build strong bonds and feelings of self-worth. The phrase “Remember when we…” is sure to bring love and laughter in the years to come.

(From https://www.lds.org/family/activities?lang=eng) "

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Yo sé que todos deseamos formar FAMILIAS FUERTES

Alguna vez te has preguntado... ¿Cómo puedo hacer esto posible en un mundo en el que vivo ocupado practicamente 24/7? 

 Las actividades diarias y nuestras responsabilidades pueden separarnos del camino de cuidados y atenciones a nuestra familia.

Algunas veces me he encontrado en situaciones en las que tengo que detenerme, hacer una pausa y dejar alguna actividad puesto que me está quitando el tiempo y con ello la oportunidad de pasar tiempo con mis hijos ¿Alguna vez has estado en una situación similar? Si tu respuesta es sí, entonces comprendes que a veces tienes que andar corriendo de aquí para allá y de allá para acá. Si tu respuesta fue NO entonces probablemente eres excelente organizándote o… quizás todavía no tienes hijos.

Entonces esta semana, quisiera compartir contigo un tip, espero que te ayude tanto como a mí… y a todas las familias (como a la mía) que tienen una agenda muy ocupada en la semana. 

  

Investigaciones han sugerido que “las familias que  participan en actividades de aventura al aire libre fortalecen sus patrones de comunicacion. (Huff, Widmer, McCoy, & Hill, 2003). Cuando las familias estan juntas por un tiempo prolongando al aire libre, son capaces de reconectarse unos con otros.

La ausencia de teléfonos celulares, internet y televisión permite la interaccion entre los miembros de la familia. Cuando las familias se dan el tiempo y se esfuerzan para excursionar, acampar o hacer cualquier otra actividad que los ocupe en actividades al aire libre, aprenden a lidiar con nuevos y diversos ambientes como familia. Este tipo de experiencias recreativas y saludables fomenta en los miembros de la familia la a creer en su capacidadpara resolver conflictos en el hogar. (Wells, Widmer, & McCoy, 2004) … El tiempo y esfuerzo requerido en la participacion de esta sana recreación.. bien vale la pena.”

 Aprovechando el Spring Break, y los próximos días festivos, haz un plan con tu familia y disfrútenlo juntos .

Estoy segura que se podrán presentar algunos desafíos en el camino, pero también tengo la certeza de que podrán enfrentarlos y vencerlos… JUNTOS!

 

"Jugar juntos, permanecer juntos

Las familias que juegan juntas permanecen juntas, especialmente cuando su juego es edificante y sano. Las vacaciones familiares, días festivos, las celebraciones de cumpleaños y otras actividades edifican fuertes lazos y sentimientos de autoestima. La frase “Se acuerdan cuando…” de seguro traerá amor y risas en los años venideros.

(De https://www.lds.org/family/activities?lang=spa)"